Shake it up, baby

I'm at work, assigned to the register closest to the door. Everything is going as normal, checking people out and stocking cigarettes. There is a young looking woman at my register who wants to buy a carton of our store brand, but when I ask for ID as required by law for anyone who looks under 30, she gets mad. She yells at me and tells me she's an adult with the right to buy cigarettes just like any other adult.

I tell her I'm happy to sell her anything in the store, but the law says if I think she looks under 30, I'm not allowed to sell cigarettes to her without ID. It's out of my hands. I even sympathize, telling her how my sister-in-law, who is my age, still gets carded entering clubs and bars because she looks twelve, and how she can at least take some solace in the fact that she'll always be prettier than the other ladies her age because she has such an ageless face. She calms down and gets out her ID. She is actually 35 years old, but I would have pegged her at no older than 17. The ID is legit, scans properly and everything. In truth, I really envy this lady, because I had gray hair at 18, and could get into bars without ID at 17. I looked 30 from the time I was 12 through about the age of 35.

After the lady pays for her purchases and walks out the door (with a smile) and is therefore out of earshot, my boss starts crowing to the rest of my coworkers, alleging that I was flirting with and hitting on this young kid, barely old enough to buy cigarettes. Thus begins the argument of "I was not flirting" and "yes you were," followed by "she was not a kid; her ID said 35" and "it must have been fake" followed by "it scanned properly and had no signs of forgery."

There really is nowhere to go with this; I've actually been ordered by higher-ups at work to not document when my boss harasses me. I look at the clock to try to fix the time in my mind so I can write it down at home, angry that I can't deal with a female customer without my boss accusing me of flirting. Where does she think she gets off doing that? I don't flirt with anyone at work. Oddly, I can see that my boss is really getting annoyed by the discussion, too. She's not razzing me with allegations of flirting; she sounds offended. In the back of my mind, something goes off, and I feel like I'm getting snapped at for stepping on a dog's tail.

The other cashier does not pick up on my body language, and teases me about the lady. I say cut it out, and try to demonstrate in every way that I can that I'm not amused. My coworker doesn't get it, and asks why I didn't get a phone number. At this point, I'm nearly seeing red over this. I'm uncomfortable with the situation, unhappy with the insinuation, and concerned that someone will tell the lady about it the next time she comes in and I'll have to deal with that, too. I am really not interested in her, and don't want to have to clear that up with her.

I tell my coworker, "Seriously, cut it out. I'm done with this discussion." I get back to stocking cigarettes.

She replies, "Whatever. I don't care who you pick up at work. I just thought it was funny."

I reply by repeating my point, this time with a frown, a vehement tone of voice, and the stomp of my foot. Right as my foot hits the floor, stuff falls off of all of our shelves. Then, cigarettes fall out of the pack racks over our heads, less than a second after stuff falling from the shelves. I can hear things falling in the back room, too. My first thought is, what the heck? I didn't stomp that hard!

My boss comes out and yells my name. I turn to look at her. She has this incredulous and indignant look on her face. She says, "You'd better slow your..." but is interrupted as the whole room jerks sideways. All of us stumble, trying to keep our balance. I'm in the doorway between the registers and the office  I grab the doorway for support. My boss is holding on to the steel sink in the back room. The cook is right beside her. The refrigerator with wheels that don't lock any more rolls across the room and slams into the freezer.

At the register, the other cashier is thrown to the floor. On the other side of the counter, a customer entering the store falls into the building, landing on his face on the floor. All of this happens in a split second. Momentarily, there is no further shaking. I check that my coworker is ok, then run around the front counter to see that the customer's nose is bleeding. I grab a clean towel and get a handful of ice to wrap in it, run to the customer, and offer that for his nose. As he looks up, it is obvious that the nose is broken. The customer gingerly applies ice, while asking, "What the hell was that?"

I say, "I think it was an..." but am interrupted by further shaking. The floor lurches up and then sideways beneath us, then the whole room seems to just vibrate. The remaining merchandise falls off of the shelves. We can hear stuff falling inside the cooler and hitting the doors and the floor. The customer and I are on the floor, and we can't move. We hear someone scream in the back room, and I think maybe the refrigerator hit someone.

**************************************************

I am in the back room with my boss and the district manager. They are lecturing me about my "temper tantrum." I keep telling them that earthquakes are a natural phenomenon, and that there are news stories about the cause. They tell me that it doesn't matter what I say, the decision has all ready been made and I'm being held responsible. My boss tells me that they're going to have to document this, and I'm required to sign it, or I'll be let go. I read the write up, and it clearly says I caused an earthquake throughout the greater metro area because I was angry about being ribbed by my coworkers about my behavior.

I say, "First of all, I'm not signing this. It's bullshit, and it won't stand up in court. If you fire me for not signing this, I'll get unemployment."

My boss gives me that incredulous, offended look, complete with her patented taken-aback jump-and-gasp that she uses to try to make people believe their own thoughts and feelings (like the feeling of urgency after being denied a restroom trip until over an hour after stating the need to go) are not legitimate or valid.

I outwardly ignore that and continue, "Second, if you really believe that I have such great power over nature and the physical world that I can cause a 4.0 earthquake under your feet and around your entire city, do you really think getting fired from this job is going to phase me? Do you really want to piss off someone who you think can do that? I mean, one of two things is true here. Either you're sane and smart enough to realize that what you're accusing is impossible and this 'documentation' of yours is invalid and illegitimate, or you're crazy or dumb enough to believe I can make the earth shake, but still willing to do something upsetting at the risk of finding out what else I can do. Which is it?"

The district manager tells me that is enough of my "smart mouth" and orders me to sign the paper. I refuse, and am ordered out of the building. My boss dials a number on her phone as the DM is speaking to me, and just as he finishes the order, I hear her telling someone on the phone that she needs police to come and arrest me for causing the city-wide earthquake, and for threatening to cause another one. An officer who happens to be buying coffee at the register by the doorway to the back room hears her, and gets an amused look on his face until I tell him that she's serious, and that's a real phone call.

I hear her arguing with the person on the other end of the phone line that she has "documented proof" in the form of a record of the preceding conversation, then hedging with, "no, it's not a recording, we're writing it down."

I leave the room to go talk to the officer. I tell him my boss and the DM think I caused the recent earthquake. He asks if they know that the epicenter was west of the city to the south of us, and I tell him they don't care. They think I can control nature, cause disasters, and so on, and I'm being fired for having done so. The officer gives me a blank stare. Another customer says, "file for unemployment."

I realize I'm back in the same position I was in after my injury in July, and I'm going to have to fight that battle all over again.

I return to the back room, grab the paper away from my boss, and use the fax machine to copy it. My boss tries to take it away from me and I turn my back on her. I feel her pounding on my back, then hear the officer shouting, "Stand back. That is an assault!" My boss stops hitting me. I turn to see the officer cuffing her. She looks furious. I take the paper, fold it up, and put it into my pocket. She tells me I can't take it because it's company property. I tell her that since it's going in my personnel file, I'm entitled to a copy, and I'm taking it. I tell the officer I'll press assault charges, and he tells me I'm going to have paperwork to fill out. I am filled with a sense of dread at having to deal with this process, even though it's pretty certain to come out in my favor. I hate fighting!

The whole time, I had this Monty-python-esque sense of real unreality. I'm not dead yet. I'm getting better. (No you're not. You're not fooling anyone - get on the cart!) I felt like I was handling the situation the best it could be handled, but at the same time, I was really unsure how things were going to come out. 

I am tired of having dreams about work, and really tired about having earthquake dreams. I know my life is shaken up and I'm all stressed out, but enough all ready! I will be glad when school is out and we can move away from this area.